..will my emotions stop being all over the place??? I go days, whole weeks, feeling like I'm going to be OK. No tears, no feeling like the weight of the world is on my shoulders. And then BAM!! I start to feel lost and confused. I am so afraid of what the future holds. I am so afraid I'll fail at all of the things I now have to and want to do. School, being a single parent, finding a job, supporting my kids on my own.
I feel so lost sometimes. And so very much alone. And then I get angry at myself. I'm not an idiot. I'm not weak. I CAN do all of this. Except... I don't want to do it all alone. I want someone to share it all with. The fears, the accomplishments, my dreams.
My kids are awesome and I love them more than life itself. My friends are incredible and you all have been an amazing support system for me. And I appreciate all of you more than I can possibly express. But something's missing.
Then I think about letting someone in again and I'm terrified. My ability to trust anyone has been damaged. And I'm not sure I will ever be able to fix that.