Sunday, March 20, 2011

The Rules...

In a move of sheer curiosity and bald faced boredom during one of my "I can't sleep" moments I ventured into the on line dating world. (Did anyone else just hear the theme song from Jaws????)

And… well… oy. It’s a sad state of affairs. Or maybe I refuse to see the writing on the wall. Maybe I need to lower my standards because, well... I’m not exactly a spring chicken anymore. But… some of these guys? Wow… really?

If their resemblance to your father ,or grandfather, doesn’t have you running away or their picture doesn’t leave you shuddering, their spelling is enough to make you want to scream and hurl heavy objects out windows. And I’m not talking typos they overlooked. I’m talking bold, in your face BUTCHERING of THE most basic words… Chocklet (SWEAR to God) instead of chocolate. Beyautaful instead of beautiful. And then there are the misspellings that you have no idea WHAT it is they were trying to say. Color me picky, or hell even a little uppity, but if you reach thirty-five plus years of age and can’t spell better than that you’re not getting a second glance from me.

This is what I have to choose from? This pool of moderately (at best) intelligent, graying, balding men?? Now before any balding and graying men get their boxer briefs in a bunch! I am NOT saying these are necessarily BAD things. Some men wear both well. Though again… if they don’t know how to spell it doesn’t matter if they look like Matthew McConaughey I‘m not….. well… maybe if they look like him I’ll use them for a little sexual satisfaction. Spelling and grammar mean little while doing the horizontal polka. I can make my needs and wants known just fine without the aid of actual words. But as a potential life partner? Yeah… wow. I may be single for a really, really long time.

Single men.. heed my advice... please. Particularly if you've well surpassed the thirty year old mark..

Please do not use what I call the pouty mouth face EVER in a profile pic. I mean really? What are you? Twelve?

Please make sure your picture isn’t so blurry that the fact that you are male is only discernable by the fuzzy outline clearly showing broad shoulders and a bald head. (At least I hope that was a man!!)

Please don’t have, as your main picture, one in which I have to figure out which man out of five is you.

Take off the sunglasses in at least a FEW of your pictures. Please!

Please, please, PLEASE utilize spell check!!!

While emoticons and acronyms are handy and often cute please don’t over use them within your profile. Just sayin’..

You’re “opening line”, if you will, IS important. Asking me if I want something vulgar followed by “and to be treated like a queen” will not endear you to me.

In another plea about pictures.. WHAT is with the pics taken in what is SO obviously a bathroom?? Or worse a PUBLIC bathroom?? Please. Find a bare wall in your home somewhere or SOMETHING.

Smile. Please. What’s with the scary face? Or is this an attempt to look dark and mysterious? Knock it off. Really. I repeat, unless you look like Matthew McConaughey, you are NOT pulling it off.

A picture of yourself on a hog with three bikini clad women hanging off of you is NOT appealing.

Must you do mirror pictures??? My eleven year old daughter does that. Ask a friend or a co-worker to take a few candid shots of you.

Using what is OBVIOUSLY a high school senior picture taken in the late 80’s or early 90’s as your one and only profile pic won’t get you any attention from intelligent women.

“Do-rags”. Umm.. Yeah.. May I refer you to rule #10. Unless you are or look like Matthew Mac please avoid this little accessory until at least the 5th date and only IF said date is an afternoon hanging out by the pool or washing cars. I will give ya’ that it can be sexy if used at the appropriate time and on the right guy. (And maybe I'm being just a wee bit picky with this one.

1 comment:

  1. ROFL! Good Lord- if the winner I am with now ever hits the trail, I am NEVER dating again. I will hole up in my tower alone. I will order my own flowers, chocolates and sex toys. I will spend my time and money the way I want. I will do and say whatever pleases me and no one will get on my case about it. I will eat what I like, when I like. I will not consider slobbering at a television screen where people are running around blowing things up at top volume to be a romantic Friday evening. And a pizza shop is not the same as dinner out! I SWEAR you have pegged them all with this post. I am beginning to think that men hit peak maturity around the age of 20 and after that they regress all the way to the nursing home.